hypertension
02-09-2005, 03:36 PM
So I guess some of you are wondering how GOD got the nickname, 'JEFFICATOR'.
Well, it's a long, but exciting story, involving adventure, pirates, alcohol (lots of alcohol), vomit, and shit... EVERYWHERE.
Couple Friday nights ago, a party is thrown at the Shanty (what my friends and I call my pirate apartment). A bunch of Fountain Valley punks, $100+ worth of BEER and RUM, and my badass beerbong.
We hit it right away, pouring 2-3 beers in at a time, passing it around as quickly as we can, making everyone walk the plank and hit it as fast as they can. Pictures are taken as everyone hits it. Everyone's feeling good, being loud, drunk, and obnoxious, having your generic good punk rock party.
The jokes start. So this guy is walking down the street and sees a woman with PERFECT titties.
He says, "Hey lady.. I'll give you $10 if you let me bite your titties!"
"That's fucking disgusting!", she snaps, and walks off.
"Honey, I'll pay you $100 to let me bite your titties!"
.. but she pays no attention and keeps walking.
"Baby, I'll pay you $500 to let me bite your titties!"
She stops in her tracks, turns around, and says, "Show me the $500", which the guy promptly does. She takes his hand and takes him into the nearest alley, where she lifts her shirt, revealing the most perfect pair of titties the guy has ever seen.
So, he starts fondling, sucking, rubbing his face in these titties. This goes on for a few minutes.
"Well, aren't you gonna bite them?", the lady asks.
The guy replied, "Nah, costs too much!".
Anyway, so I tell a bunch of the punks that I wanna show them something, and take them to my computer where I have all my tunes. I tell them about how Ian from NT was talking shit on Resisted and our new tunes, specifically my singing, and ask them to compare the two and judge for themselves.
I play the NT version of UP YOURS. Unenergetic, uninspired singing by Ian. Nobody is impressed.
I then play the Resisted version. Right away, the kids start moving around as they get into it, then BAM! All of a sudden, they all yell:
"UP YOURS!"
... in time with the chorus. I go nuts and start singing along to the recording with my drunk punk friends, who are totally digging the tunes and pitting in my room.
We then kept going with all the other Resisted tunes, and I was the first to barf...
I threw up all over the place during KILL THE BOSS, but threw it away and kept going. It was FUCKING KILLER.
I don't remember who puked next. My friend Mike projectile-vomited over the balcony onto the dog next door (which I hate). I was so proud of Mike. I wanna make that an olympic sport and he's now officially in my pirate crew.
My friend Eddie puked off my balcony onto my truck. That was fun to find the next day.
My friend Moose was asleep peacefully on my beanbag. I looked at him proud, thinking that he just won me a $5 bet I had with my roomie. I bet that he wouldn't puke.
Just as I thought that, BLEH! He barfed up in his sleep and started choking on it. I got a plastic bag and shoved his head in it, and cleaned up the mess as best as I could while he apologized.
Just then, BAM! Patrick (anti-nazi) shot up from the ground and barfed all over himself. I started to cuss, but Mike ran in with a trashcan and shoved Patrick's head in there. Another crisis averted.
.. until BAM! Patrick's puking set off my friend Gabe, who shot up, barfed all over himself, then fell back down and slept covered in puke.
I decide to go to bed.
Here's where the real fun begins.
The cold wakes me up at about 7, and I go to the bathroom to take a hangover piss, when I notice that the toilet is fucking clogged and the whole bathroom smells like SHIT.
I get pissed. Who the fuck clogged my toilet!? I'm gonna wait until everyone wakes up, then I'm gonna start knocking heads.
About 730, I realize that probably nobody would fess up, so I go in and plunge the toilet, but notice that the stench of shit is OVERPOWERING. I notice that someone's pants and socks are wadded up underneath the sink.
I then notice that there are shit smears on the ground and in my throw rugs. WTF!? WHY IS THERE SHIT ON THE GROUND!?
I then notice shit-smears on the wall. WTF!? I'M GONNA FUCK SOMEONE UP.
I start to clean up, when Jeff runs in. I DID notice that he was wearing his sweatshirt, but also had a towel wrapped around his lower body.
Now, maybe it's because it was early, or maybe it's because I was hungover, or maybe both. But I didn't question why he was wearing a towel, why his pants were on the floor, or even wondered why. Maybe I assumed he puked on himself.
"Fuck man.. someone SHIT all over my fucking bathroom. That fucking SUCKS. I'm PISSED. Who the fuck did it!?"
"Whoa dude.. I dunno. Hey, can I borrow a pair of pants?"
"Sure."
"Hey dude, can I use your washer and dryer too?"
"Yeah, no problem."
So eventually Mike wakes up, and I tell him about how pissed I am that someone shit in my bathroom.
Jeff is in there, and Mike says, "Jeff, I can't believe you shit on the bathroom floor!"
Jeff says, "Dude, I don't know what you're talking about!"
Mike yells, "YES YOU DO ASSHOLE! I FUCKING SAW YOU DO IT!"
It turns out that after I had gone to bed, Jeff had gone to the bathroom.. and was there for 30 mins. Mike was still awake and was wondering WTF Jeff was doing in the bathroom for so long.
He walked in and saw Jeff on the ground, his pants off, with a huge pile of shit on the bathroom floor and smeared all over his legs.
"Dude... what the fuck!? There's shit EVERYWHERE!!!"
And what did Jeff say to this?
"Dude.. it's not mine!"
"WTF!?"
"Dude.. it wasn't me.. it was Eddie!"
"BULLSHIT! IT'S ON YOUR FUCKING LEGS! FUCK DUDE, you shit EVERYWHERE! Fuck man... if Jake or Rick (my roomie) see this, they're gonna beat the FUCK out of you! Clean it up, NOW!"
"Dude.. it's not mine!"
So I guess at this point, Jeff got in the shower to wash the shit off his legs, got out, and left the pile of shit on the bathroom floor, and went to sleep for an hour.
Mike, being the excellent pirate and friend that he is, slapped Jeff awake.
"JEFF! That pile of shit is STILL THERE! Jake is gonna FUCK YOU UP! Clean it up, NOW!!!"
"OK dude.. but it's not mine".
Needless to say, Jeff still smelled like shit and Simple Green after a second shower and clean clothes the next morning, but I was able to get the bathroom totally clean.
So that's the story of the Jefficator! Tell the tale far and wide!
Well, it's a long, but exciting story, involving adventure, pirates, alcohol (lots of alcohol), vomit, and shit... EVERYWHERE.
Couple Friday nights ago, a party is thrown at the Shanty (what my friends and I call my pirate apartment). A bunch of Fountain Valley punks, $100+ worth of BEER and RUM, and my badass beerbong.
We hit it right away, pouring 2-3 beers in at a time, passing it around as quickly as we can, making everyone walk the plank and hit it as fast as they can. Pictures are taken as everyone hits it. Everyone's feeling good, being loud, drunk, and obnoxious, having your generic good punk rock party.
The jokes start. So this guy is walking down the street and sees a woman with PERFECT titties.
He says, "Hey lady.. I'll give you $10 if you let me bite your titties!"
"That's fucking disgusting!", she snaps, and walks off.
"Honey, I'll pay you $100 to let me bite your titties!"
.. but she pays no attention and keeps walking.
"Baby, I'll pay you $500 to let me bite your titties!"
She stops in her tracks, turns around, and says, "Show me the $500", which the guy promptly does. She takes his hand and takes him into the nearest alley, where she lifts her shirt, revealing the most perfect pair of titties the guy has ever seen.
So, he starts fondling, sucking, rubbing his face in these titties. This goes on for a few minutes.
"Well, aren't you gonna bite them?", the lady asks.
The guy replied, "Nah, costs too much!".
Anyway, so I tell a bunch of the punks that I wanna show them something, and take them to my computer where I have all my tunes. I tell them about how Ian from NT was talking shit on Resisted and our new tunes, specifically my singing, and ask them to compare the two and judge for themselves.
I play the NT version of UP YOURS. Unenergetic, uninspired singing by Ian. Nobody is impressed.
I then play the Resisted version. Right away, the kids start moving around as they get into it, then BAM! All of a sudden, they all yell:
"UP YOURS!"
... in time with the chorus. I go nuts and start singing along to the recording with my drunk punk friends, who are totally digging the tunes and pitting in my room.
We then kept going with all the other Resisted tunes, and I was the first to barf...
I threw up all over the place during KILL THE BOSS, but threw it away and kept going. It was FUCKING KILLER.
I don't remember who puked next. My friend Mike projectile-vomited over the balcony onto the dog next door (which I hate). I was so proud of Mike. I wanna make that an olympic sport and he's now officially in my pirate crew.
My friend Eddie puked off my balcony onto my truck. That was fun to find the next day.
My friend Moose was asleep peacefully on my beanbag. I looked at him proud, thinking that he just won me a $5 bet I had with my roomie. I bet that he wouldn't puke.
Just as I thought that, BLEH! He barfed up in his sleep and started choking on it. I got a plastic bag and shoved his head in it, and cleaned up the mess as best as I could while he apologized.
Just then, BAM! Patrick (anti-nazi) shot up from the ground and barfed all over himself. I started to cuss, but Mike ran in with a trashcan and shoved Patrick's head in there. Another crisis averted.
.. until BAM! Patrick's puking set off my friend Gabe, who shot up, barfed all over himself, then fell back down and slept covered in puke.
I decide to go to bed.
Here's where the real fun begins.
The cold wakes me up at about 7, and I go to the bathroom to take a hangover piss, when I notice that the toilet is fucking clogged and the whole bathroom smells like SHIT.
I get pissed. Who the fuck clogged my toilet!? I'm gonna wait until everyone wakes up, then I'm gonna start knocking heads.
About 730, I realize that probably nobody would fess up, so I go in and plunge the toilet, but notice that the stench of shit is OVERPOWERING. I notice that someone's pants and socks are wadded up underneath the sink.
I then notice that there are shit smears on the ground and in my throw rugs. WTF!? WHY IS THERE SHIT ON THE GROUND!?
I then notice shit-smears on the wall. WTF!? I'M GONNA FUCK SOMEONE UP.
I start to clean up, when Jeff runs in. I DID notice that he was wearing his sweatshirt, but also had a towel wrapped around his lower body.
Now, maybe it's because it was early, or maybe it's because I was hungover, or maybe both. But I didn't question why he was wearing a towel, why his pants were on the floor, or even wondered why. Maybe I assumed he puked on himself.
"Fuck man.. someone SHIT all over my fucking bathroom. That fucking SUCKS. I'm PISSED. Who the fuck did it!?"
"Whoa dude.. I dunno. Hey, can I borrow a pair of pants?"
"Sure."
"Hey dude, can I use your washer and dryer too?"
"Yeah, no problem."
So eventually Mike wakes up, and I tell him about how pissed I am that someone shit in my bathroom.
Jeff is in there, and Mike says, "Jeff, I can't believe you shit on the bathroom floor!"
Jeff says, "Dude, I don't know what you're talking about!"
Mike yells, "YES YOU DO ASSHOLE! I FUCKING SAW YOU DO IT!"
It turns out that after I had gone to bed, Jeff had gone to the bathroom.. and was there for 30 mins. Mike was still awake and was wondering WTF Jeff was doing in the bathroom for so long.
He walked in and saw Jeff on the ground, his pants off, with a huge pile of shit on the bathroom floor and smeared all over his legs.
"Dude... what the fuck!? There's shit EVERYWHERE!!!"
And what did Jeff say to this?
"Dude.. it's not mine!"
"WTF!?"
"Dude.. it wasn't me.. it was Eddie!"
"BULLSHIT! IT'S ON YOUR FUCKING LEGS! FUCK DUDE, you shit EVERYWHERE! Fuck man... if Jake or Rick (my roomie) see this, they're gonna beat the FUCK out of you! Clean it up, NOW!"
"Dude.. it's not mine!"
So I guess at this point, Jeff got in the shower to wash the shit off his legs, got out, and left the pile of shit on the bathroom floor, and went to sleep for an hour.
Mike, being the excellent pirate and friend that he is, slapped Jeff awake.
"JEFF! That pile of shit is STILL THERE! Jake is gonna FUCK YOU UP! Clean it up, NOW!!!"
"OK dude.. but it's not mine".
Needless to say, Jeff still smelled like shit and Simple Green after a second shower and clean clothes the next morning, but I was able to get the bathroom totally clean.
So that's the story of the Jefficator! Tell the tale far and wide!